Good Day everyone! We have been gone for a bit. Things have been very rocky the last few weeks since Gene passed. The alter reunion tour has been charging on whether they needed to or not! We hae been learning a lot about not only ourselves, but our current IRL family. More importantly how the alters reactions to my feelings are causing issues in the family I love more than anything, and running them away!
This all started a while back when I got my feelings hurt over a trigger than really had little to do with Kerry Shae, My oldest girl, and best friend. It really wasnt anything malicious that she did that caused the reactions that happened, which BTW all three of the protectors came out and proceeded to raise nine kinds of hell. THis isn’t the worst part, we were in such crisis mode we were changing so much that I, Kevin, would give Kerry her car and stuff back after the alters had taken it, and this happened three times in a day, not to mention the fact they threw her out and used words I wont dare repeat. All this to a 23-year-old girl whom I love more than life. Now we have to pick up the pieces. We also just found out there is a chance she could have Liver disease or Cancer! She has the tests next week! Shes out of the house, living in the hood on foot and broke, stubborn as hell!! Just like me once. I did the same shit! Almost exactly!
yesterday WE all went to therapy with Becky, Trauma Therapist. We learned a lot! We learned that I have to try to feel what its like to have hurt feelings, feel stress and pain. I never do, Kevin never does, he runs and hides and we take the punishment. We also found out that our, the alters, react completely wrong to almost every emotionally charged situation we enter. How could we possibly know how to interact and manage a family when the only example we know is our own…scary though huh.. Becky out it like this. I am accidentally allowing the alters to relive the trauma, which in turn is causing my family to suffer and feel the same way we did, and we ran. It was alight bulb going off. We never touched or hurt our kids, but we bullied them, or tried to, into not leaving!! I see now that was totally the wong approach. The alters were only trying to keep kerry at home but the gift ro flight instinct was so bad they fought, then ran. Lets face it, there is no such thing as a nice fight and they weren’t nice, they were scared for us. In turn their actions caused more damage than good inadvertently. We see this now.
What is the sanity in the Madness? Simply out it’s this; The ability to see things from another perspective and dimensional view due to the way our brain has miraculously kept us alive and well all these years! We have actually utilized more of our brain than the neurotypical person. PET scans have shown as well as functional MRI, that DID folks use more area in the brain by far than others! What were not insane…What if were really gifted? This is our perspective on this! We have instead of suicide, or conceding defeat, we found a way to fight it all back and continue on! To me, THATS AMAZING! That is definitely the stronger mind in our opinion!
To us the struggle with the DID diagnosis has been profound and lengthy. We always has issues that made no sense. We always had serious memory issues, social problems, family crisis 24/7, substances, mental health, physical health, you name it! Yet we were always considered a genius at times, and others below average or worse. We were all over the page. We went from taking High School math and Foreign language classes as well as College level courses in the third grade to failing almost every class we took every year. Go figure??? The things we were accused of were horrible, and we really had no idea they were true! We were a shy and timid boy most times, we got picked on a lot at times. At other times we were the life of the party, in a band, man whore, etc, and even then we were the depressed kid who cut and hated life. I never made sense. We were even diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s by a neurologist, DR Brown, in Odessa! WTF?!?!?!? All this time we had been told before, but I couldn’t remember. We moved all the time. We were always hiding who we were even though we didn’t know what that is. Were still learning too!
Folks that see and feel things differently than the majority are often stereotyped, labeled and filed away. THey want to pump us full of drugs not for us, but for them! To make us act and feel the way they want us too! The ability to feel is what makes u human! We feel much more because there are so many of us! We all feel differently, interpret differently and even react differently. However we can all feel the same fears. Thats the shit about it. Even though we don’t all share the same memories, we do feel the fear another one does. Kinda like Blade, he still had the thirst!
Were heading to The Center, in Washington DC. THis is a trauma facility that specializes in DID. Were going to try to learn some better skills to get us all working together a little better. To let us try and see that not everyone is an enemy! Before we thought it was just a matter of time till someone was going to hurt us. Now we know, or are trying to believe, that’s not always the case. that’s a tough one.
We have recently learned that every good memory we ever had been a lie. Our Grandfather, UG Painter, was the heart of the biggest and cruelest inter-generational incest story in Charleston, WV. This was known. He was a cruel and terrible man, as was our father, and uncle. What we would like to ask the Cousins, Emil Hopkins, Sonny Hopkins, Karen Lynn Hopkins, and Anna Hopkins, is this: Why the hell when we told you we needed help, when we cried to you about things, why didn’t you help us since you knew we were being abused the whole time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY!!!????
Now we understand that the years of drama and abuse were simply all of us trying to make it through the crap. Now that were starting to remember things, we want to tell the story…all of it, each of us. We all have our own……..Hang onto your ass. There are going to be some pissed off people in the world coming soon!
2 thoughts on “The Sanity of Madness”
It was an uncanny experience for me to read your post. I felt as if I was reading portions of my own journey in therapy. In 2012 I was switching so much I had to have two hospitalizations and six weeks in partial hospitalization. What you’re doing takes courage. Never doubt that.
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I’m glade you finally understand the damages being caused by the rage. I look forward to the future with you my dear. I never wanted to leave but some of y’all was making it impossible to stay and be safe with kids. I’ve been trying to explain to the alters that they were hurting you not helping you running everyone away. But until Becky explained in terms they could understand it didn’t make sense to them. I’m glade they listened. We ran over in time but I think Becky for taking the time to explain. I love you so much Kevin, Pat, Larry, Jeff, Brian, Sandy, Little Kevin, and all the unnamed. I hope one day you will just know and except that I love you.
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