The Torture of Serenity, The Tease of Sanity

Good Day to all of you that read the revelings of a man trapped in a small space with a dozen or so other men.  SO close you can hear each other think, fart, and well, sometimes you can ever see their dreams………

Though this all may seem like fiction to the non0informed reader, its a reality for us and many others like us.  This is not a euphemism or clever pun, this is the reality of living with a multiple soul.  I say Multiple Soul, since Multipole Personality doesn’t really fit does it?  No.  We are all one personality, broken into parts like a mirror, repeatedly smashed, repaired and smashed over and over.  This is why the pieces don’t really fit back together anymore.  There are times where we feel almost normal!… where we feel uninhibited and free from the prison we languish in every day 24 hours a day.  These are the scariest times of all…When WE feel normal.  Look out world..I mean yours!

As we are progressing down the rapids of our DID river ride, there are times between the rapids where we don’t even remember anymore were “WE”.  These are the times when external stimuli is contained, managed or otherwise mitigated, or we just are so caught up in our head that we forget the world is going to hell around us.  We feel, “good” to us.  This is when we tend to make the worst decisions of our life.  Why?  Because we forget most of our previous life experiences, other than some feeling and emotions.  We forget the reality that exists outside our head, our minds.  This is the place where we feel like we KNOW who we are, but what we are and what we were meant to be.

The latter, a sense of identity past the surface,  is for us, and we feel probably most, is the most significant;  That and the seemingly Hollywood like leapfrog, back and forth through time.  We know our names, most of the time.  However we dont know who we really are?!!  Imagine when you wake up in the morning and questioning who you are and what you care about.   Your rules for living changing every time they feel the need!!  This is an everyday, and somewhat grounding experience for us.  When we have to slow down and question just who we are at that moment, and then make behavioral adjustments accordingly, it can give us enough time to communicate a bit and make better decisions.  I call it the “Handoff”

The handoff is more prevalent as stress decreases.  When we goto change, the lower the stress the more of a handoff we get.  This is some thing we have learned over time and frustration.  Remember time is very wonky for us.   I know, WONKY??  Its the only way to describe it.   If we are in a high stress, perceived safety situation, we get little if any handoff.  This is when things get really wonky.  We start making decisions; and I say we meaning the brains!, based on stored memories and fear, raw emotions.   You can see here how this can be bad!  The real spinner here is the DID minds, remember things as feelings, very vivid feelings which produce these lovely items called’ “body memories”.  We will cover these babies soon.

So, back to the relevant topic, the love in serenity you say???!!!  YES, were master deceivers and con artists, manipulators, whatever you want to call it, between us were going to be good at it some how.  DID is meant to go undetected.  I stole this from a posting header, sorry if it was yours, your awesome!  We spend energy like Californians in summer when it comes to remaining hidden.    So, when we feel like we are in a place where:

  • We Know what were supposed to be doing.
  •  Were Doing it to the standard we believe we should be.
  • We know why were doing it, it makes sense to us.
  • We feel safe

If we find ourself in a position that we “THINK” we meet all of the above, then we are in so much trouble.  Why?  We have fooled ourself into thinking we are like everyone else.  At that moment, when all is calm, and allis right;  We couldn’t be more wrong.  We go completely off the rails at this point!  We try to act as one, forgetting were many, and the mistake value is an equation by Sheldon Cooper that magnifies that bad exponentially.

Sometimes we live in that bubble for a while, thinking we have this beat!   We can be normal!  LOL. thats a funny thing.  As soon as we really feel good about things, her comes the train!  I cannot even begin to tell you why this cycle has been there for us.  I cannot begin to tell you, even though we are now, why we cannot manage to break the curse.  If any of you can help, please blow up my mailbox!

I do whole hearted believe that this is one of the biggest issues in trading someone with DID.  Once we have a slip, much like an addict,  we backslide and become mire fearful again, less trusting, and maybe even angry!  Yes for sure the angry part!…shut upo and write dumbass!

Anyways feeling a bit of change coming on…neeed to go before I lose lucidity…lool. Here comes the handofffc

 

hey everyone……AK

 

 

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