As we approach our travel day, away from Chaing May, the existential angst that has left us for most of our adventure returns. The body has taken note, and we cannot deny the effects. The fatigue, pain, and overall feelings of dread and dismay are completely upon us. This is not a coincidence, this is the body keeping score.
We feel as if a storm cloud is approaching; Ominous and powerful, rolling into our existence with unrelenting force. our body is telling us what the rest of us already knows, we do not want to leave. Chiang May, has ben a saving grace for us. we have been able to be open and honest about everything in our lives. We have stepped out of the closet and into the light without fear. For the fist time, we can be free to be us, and we love it. Now we return to the confines of our modest home, surrounded by the walls we have constructed so diligently, to keep us safe. Walls that so much are invisible to the naked eye, protecting us form the stereotypes and judgements so many seek to pass on us.
As the time comes closer to travel, we grow depressed, both physically and mentally. The ailments that plagued us so intently, mysteriously vanished in Chiang Mai. The fears, primarily if people, that we seem to have quashed, and rid ourselves of are now seeping back into the existence we have so relished these last three weeks. Even with the antics of the alters, we still were able to breathe here. We were able to be “us”, instead of just being one of “them”. This is what we will most most about Chiang May, living in the light.
Friendships forged in the expat community, are always fast to be made, and just as easily can take extended leaves, without consequence. We learn to accept on face value the human in front of us. We learn to be accepted by those around us. Learning to accept the opinions of others, especially when they’re of a positive nature, is quite difficult for us. However with existensiality, of the Chiang Mai community, we can feel confident the accolades we receive are nothing more than truth. Truth is now something we are growing to see, doesn’t have to be painful. Truth can be quite pleasurable and freeing. When immersed in an environment free from prejudice, hate and blanket insecurities, we can then begin to develop our own sense of identity; as we are no longer trying to “be” what we perceive what others desire us to be.
The cloud, blocks the light from reaching us, drowning us in angst, and pure existential crisis. we KNOW, we are NOT living authentically, or in good faith, by abandoning such a place. We also know, we have the ability to choose. As we CHOOSE to return, we have to accept responsibility for this choice. Even as our choices are in somewhat bad faith, we know that to have balance we must at times make such choices. In order for us to reach our goal of living as we have in Thailand, we must sacrifice, to ultimately succeed. We must throw ourselves further into the darkness in order to come back into the light. We must weather the storm. We must survive once again.
The blanket of anxiety that used to be our security, keeping us warm and safe, when we only had life and death to choose, now seems foreign to us. We no longer want to stay hidden in the shadows, only peering out to see if the world was still turning. Fearing everything and running from everything. Chasing only a dream from one broken part to the next, in hopes of conscious tranquility. The hope of one time being able to relax, breathe, and grow. This for us the ultimate achievement. Bringing all of us into the light, so that we may develop into something better, something useful, something desirable. I accept the cloud that comes now only because, the cloud is now demonstrating to us just how happy we have been here. Free, breathing and serene.
Being an individual, in a system of thirteen, can be a challenging and even frightening task. We have always had each other to lean on, even if it meant exponentially complicating things! We now know, that we can co-exist, in a. way that interfaces well with the world. We can be desired, accepted and even respected. We no longer need the darkness fo the closet to hide in. We are reborn in the light of existential freedom, power and truth. We are an individual, working as a group, to attain a common goal. We are most certainly “WE”.
We will return to Chiang Mai, in several weeks. We hope that the cloud, although familiar to us, will not continue to follow us till we return. We also know that many of our own choices can effect how the cloud moves about us, transferring the negative energy stored inside. As we return home to Texas. to our family, we know many negative things await us. We know that the crisis will persevere, only till we change something in ourselves to either change it or die. We choose life one r death today, at this moment. We choose NOT to let others make our choices, as we are FREE, we are powerful, we are striving toward inner peace and balance. Back in six weeks. L
Living as Whole Fragments 