Six Daughters, Two Wives, fourteen personalities, in one body, and only one house. Yes, you read correctly. This post is going to address our very complicated, and very real situation we are currently living. This is the reality of romance and marriage in DID. This is the living hell/heaven/whatever, that we created, and many times wonder why, how and wait minute, again!
So, if you have been reading previously, you are aware that we are a system occupying one very unique space. We have been coming to grips with the fact that we are MULTIPLE. This is not easy, even when you live with it. We still battle this after decades of evidence to the contrary. Imagine you are a raging queen, wear drag, and think that you do not. Yes, it is that obscure.
So, we have a wife, Tammy, we are legally married too for over ten years. She is a Texan, through and through. Tammy and us share a child together, Aaliyah. We all love Aaliyah a great deal, and protect her ardently. We also have a Thai wife, Jun. This is a recent development to the system. By the way, Jun and Tammy have different husbands, yet share a single body. Herein lies the fundamental problem with romance in DID relationships. These relationships do not account for the almost certain, unpredictability of the human jealousy gene. Even thong Kevin and Larry, can differentiate their feelings between Jun and Tammy, respectively, Jun and Tammy have a harder time with this.
Going back in time a bit, we had very different reasons for being in a relationship with both of them. Both Kevin and Larry are completely different people, in almost every respect. However, these facts were not completely apparent to any of the ladies involved, much less us. In case you are new or late to our program, people who are multiple, are the last to know. Such is usually the case with news the human psyche would rather not assimilate, rather file away. Now, we are in two very serious relationships, with two very different women, from two different cultures, countries, and even languages. No, this isn’t complicated; Let us just add children, and family into it, since we are so good! LOL! yes, we are that obtuse sometimes.
Let me start off by saying this: we do not recommend this to anyone, do not try this at home, there are no professionals at this and should never be attempted by anyone wishing to hang onto what sanity they have left!!!! There are some definite rewards, but thats for later, getting here is a journey worth examination. As with most things, there is a beginning and…..
They say that assumption is the mother of all fuckups. If this be true, then resentment is the evil lovechild that stems from it. A more powerful force is unknown to us. Resentment is the product of surrendering your freedom. Your inherent power, that can only be given away by yourself. Most resentment, at least in our story, arises from placing unrealistic expectations on something we cannot control, like everyone, and getting unhappy about the results. We CHOOSE, to place these things on people. Then we do not want to accept the responsibility for our feelings and choices later on, playing the blame game. That is bullshit. We can only have limited expectations of our own behaviors, expecting things from others is not only unrealistic, but un-authentic. Expectations from others are ways of trying to control using guilt or a sense of obligation. When that which we expect from others, is to subsidize our own bankrupt humanity, we are not human beings, we become emotional predators.
As trauma survivors, we have no idea what healthy looks like. We have a fucked up sense of not only healthy, but right, wrong, and immoral. These are values, which like the balance of our learned life skills, taught by the world surrounding us as children. We all understand that life is nothing more than random chaos even without the addition of trauma. Trauma only compounds the chaos exponentially. Never allowing the fragile young mind to absorb the positive things that come from living.
Back to the present. We are navigating our way through many things currently; Developing our identity not only as a group, but learning who we are as individuals, cultivating a sense of self worth, understanding what our place in the world is, and how we should react to it. These re all things that have lead us where we are now. The actions that are required to achieve self awareness and confidence, are not only foreign to the trauma survivor, they are horrifying. Self realization, healthy boundaries, and healthy emotional regulation are all double edged instruments. Desire to success in this journey can be overwhelmed, slopped and even destroyed from the overbearing fear of happiness, self confidence and joy. There is hope if we can press further into the abyss, battling our fears and self loathing, which is our comfort zone, to find ourselves and the relative peace that comes along.
We have now found that we are actually, both as a collective and as individuals, pretty good people. We ARE good. Realization of self worth is the goal, and we can see light piercing the darkness here. Signaling to us a path of self redemption, saving us from the eternal abandonment we have felt for so long. The feelings of insignificance still here, however more manageable. We are able to see contributions to a better life not just for others, but for us. We have always been taught to want for self was rude and therefore bad. To want for self, is not only NOT bad, it is the only thing that can save humanity from itself, and us from ourselves.
How does this fit back into two wives? Simple, as the host of our system the body is technically MINE. However, I have chosen for years to surrender this role to another, Larry. He with help from the rest of the system, have managed our body for decades, as I was afraid to fail, as I was a shit person and did not deserve to live. This was not something we made up, we were taught. As we began to understand more about us, the gift of multiplicity that we spawned, we could grow without fear. We are not crazy, weird or bad. We are quite simply the sum of an equation we never wrote, or agreed to be part of. We are what we had to be. This has allowed me the confidence to learn we are strong, I am strong! I had to be to survive. The sum of my parts is an amazing man, with much to give. We are amazing. You may think this arrogant! NO, we have as a society made others feel self confidence is arrogant and rude, only because we are jealous of others that have it. Our parents never wanted a child prodigy. They were jealous of us from an early age. We were to be the cure for their self loathing. Our needs were never aligned with theirs . We became exactly what we were made to be.
Today, we can start to see we are lovable, desirable, attractive and very, very, clever. Quite the catch, and that is just me! The other thirteen of us are also quite unique and special. Imagine the cornucopia of knowledge and skills when we all connect and come together as one. Very formidable.
When we first travelled to China Mai, we were anything but prepared. We had been searching for years, a way to escape the United Sates again. We still to this day cannot explain why America has housed nothing but heartache and misery for us. We have never felt safe in America.
We were running again, away from anything that was even remotely familiar to us, knowing exactly nothing. When we arrived here we found tranquility in the utter immersion of progressive ideas. You can feel consciousness all around you. The belief that all things deserve to live and be in harmony with each other. This is something we instantly fell in ease with. Yes, feel IN ease with. We felt at home, first time. We decided to live not open, but not to hide our alters. We could be as we needed to be.
We need to say a big THANK YOU to a dear friend, although be it a bitchy one, too CiCi. Without her we may have made a huge mistake, butt hanks to her and Larry fighting, which is what he does best, we walked to the Blue Grass Bar and Grill down the block and met Jun. This was at first the most awkward and random thing that had ever happened to us. When we have nothing to fear, perceived or otherwise, we found out most of our fears were self perpetuated. Our fears today have been perpetuated by, that is correct, OURSELVES! This is not to say that there is not sound basis for these fears, however to carry them, well after the threat has passed is where the disorder lies. We become hardwired to survive, to endure the worst in things. We enter training from teh first time we feel the fear of never knowing when it will stop, and made to believe it never will.
Back to the present, where we are safe, free, and accountable for our actions. We meet Jun, we feel safe, and liked. We know what your thinking now, and you should be! So, let us qualify that statement. We have come to realize and understand, to feel safe and liked, you must first know what a healthy definition of these things re, and also to instill them in your own existence independent of any others. Failure in this action, leads us into that dark place, the black hole that is the emotional vacuum. We all know them, they pull you in, and project all of their insecurities, and self loathing onto, and thus, into you. The only protection we have are isolation, and self love. They are not exclusive at times.
We did not feel loved because Jun, loved us. We did not think she loved us, lol. Thats another story! Those who know us have an inside line here and will laugh at this! I digress. We simply did not question why she would have interest in us! Follow this line. Instead of the confidence killing questions of “why”, someone would be interested, we accepted this on face value. This allows for positive thoughts, and emotions to peek through the darkness. Something we had never experienced before. Tis is where our power comes through, and from. From within ourselves. The power of self love, and accepting it on face is intoxicating. For those who have never done before, the feeling is euphoric, like that first roll.
When you have a healthy relationship from the start, without expectations, anything is possible. You find trust and belief are easy convey with others, when not already in fear of what has not happened. “Fear is the mind killer”; this quote was delivered masterfully in a film that was originally to be made in place of Star Wars. Dune, an excellent insight in to the human experience. Fear feeds on existential soul like bees to nectar. Feeding until all is consumed with fear, hate and resentment. Resentment being the tool that fear uses to drive self loathing. Honesty with yourself in the understanding your fears, and why you have them has helped us more than almost anything. When you know what your fears are, and why you have them, solutions will begin to appear to your system. Imagine all your light bulbs coming on at once. The light is blinding.
So here we are almost a year later, Jun, Tammy, Aaliyah and us are all living under a single roof, in a single dwelling, and with more people than bodies in the house. Let us now throw in a small complication, Tammy and Larry have an independent relationship, and have for years. Yes, Tammy has been romantically involved with LARRY, for some time. This has added dramatically to the already stagnate abandonment we felt in our “marriage”. When we first all became aware of each other, I wanted to feel a closeness with someone, and was after all, married to Tammy. This fact, even though never felt like us, was a legal fact. This was not an unfamiliar place for us to be, so we flow with it. Larry had married Tammy, for me, so I could rescue Tammy’s daughters from life. If you need to take notes feel free, we do. 555!
We would beg Tammy, to case relations with Larry, and Pat, and even Jeff. She even made the comment one time, she was getting more strange than anyone she knew. This was true, from everyone but me. This was all the same body now, just different alters. Tammy’s seemingly relevant defense was simply, we were all one body. You would think this was not only relevant, but pretty valid, right!? Maybe to most people, not to us! Especially me! We became even more resentful and disconnected from our “marriage”, falling further into isolation and a deep seeded rage, we never know we had till years later. Then, we focus on therapy, self love, and existentialism.
Looking from a singular point of view, we can objectively understand, why her feelings would run this way. However, we are not singular, or objective. Honesty is double edged remember! We are this collective of opinions, emotions, and beliefs. We all also have our own fears. When you compound the massive emotions fo the Host, also the heart, with the fears of the system you get more interest than a Macys’ store credit card. The snowball effect is an emotional epidemic of irrational responses. Hence the erratic behavior that many observe when a DID system gets out of sync. This happens more often than singles like to believe. We learn to hide, isolate, or otherwise accept the comments about eccentricity, crazy or other disdainful labels. We learn to own them , assimilate them, and use them to power the system another day, hour or minute. We do not have to accept the judgements of others. Actually there is nothing that indicates we have to acceptor the choices fo anyone other than ourselves. The only judgement that matters, is our own. We are the final authority in our lives. This concept is something that most are pushed away from early in life, so others with weaker ideas can control them. We perpetuate slavery by encouraging our children to blindly accept beliefs and moral codes, and teaching them to follow, rather than to be free.
Now, on a daily basis, I am reminded that I, created this dynamic we live in currently. The girls make a choice to stay in our family here, but the design is my own. Be design, we mean thing solid, more a living thing that changes to grow and best take care of the members in it. We are a collective, living in a collective. We are full of individuals, damaged and worn, as well as seedlings and youngsters reaching for their place in the sun. We all have one. We are all here in this rock, under the sun, as we choose to be.
When we had a dear friend, whom we will just call C, at this time, tell us one night, we are a really good and cool guy! Not just one of us, but all of us! At the time of this conversation, our mind was open and connected. We were communicating in ways we never dreamed of before, sharing wisdom, knowledge and experiences without speech. We could just “know”. We realized at that moment in time, he was telling the truth. Since we had no fears in the front end, we were able to believe what he said without question. When we come to believe a thing, accepting into your own perceptions becomes easy, allowing your psyche to project your own version of that perceived belief to be. We became as we allow ourselves to believe. We accept this to be the origination of the “self fulfilling prophecy” theory. However, our issue with this? This theory fails to address the root cause, fear. Fears, resentments, and surrender of our existential freedom, making us believe we are all bad, sinners and deserve whatever the world lays upon us. Is it a wonder that every generation of our children becomes more hollow and vacant than the ones before? We are passing on these self perpetuated, belief systems, These artificial forms of control, that do nothing more than teach us self hatred and prejudice from birth! We indoctrinate our children, and teach them they are evil from conception!!!
When we came to realize that we were not EVIl from birth. That the things we had done to survive, were no more evil than the things that anyone else does too survive. This can be from working a job to robbing a bank. How can we judge wha that person does, if we do not live in their perceptions. If you are not causing misery, and hurting another human, then why should you be wrong? Is there a right and wooing? Is there a Happy and Sad? Where did these labels even come from? Hmmmm….
When you take away the hard wired programming of society today, we can then begin to do serious self inventory. Both the good and bad. This is the time for self judgement and if needed, adjustment. I say if needed, because only one selves can just the same. What most will find is someone they never knew. We know now the meaning of finding oneself, or selves as the case may be. To find oneself, you need to explore that which most of us know we have, but fear to go. We must realize that freedom is something we carry, and can surrender, but can never be taken. We must see that happiness is something that is different fro everyone. We must respect others happiness if we are to have our own. Breaking free from the mold of insecurity will be the scariest, and most empowering thing any individual will ever do.
I live every day, with insecurities that I hoped to foster in every member of our household, whether from not being compoleltel;y honest with Tammy about my relationship with Jun, whether it is the feelings of possible abandonment I fostered in Jun, bringing her into a ready made family, or the questions raised by Aaliyah, whom at seven years long, is quite the perceptive little one. These questions we are sure will grow in complexity and number as time passes. most critically, how do I care for the insecurities that are in Larry, due to the fact I have asked him and Tammy to stop their romantic relationship? Why, because I can, this is MY body . Many in the plural community will say, yes, you should share the body with the alters!! I get that. Many will say, we should not share the body, we get that too! Here is when you can tell therapy is working… IN the English words of my favorite Thai, ” I Don’t Care!” Yes, I am good enough to make my own decisions. I may share this body, but I am the landlord, and we have some hose rules now.
So as we all learn to live together, and this weeks we added teh Thai family to the mix, we find that we think we have things figured out, and we do not. We Think we have thought of everything, we did not. We do however see the good in a all of us here, and want to help one another. We are also learning that everyone here is an individual that has fears, needs, loves, and hates. While they should all be respected and heard, sometimes someone has to make the hard decision, and that is called trust.
Living as Whole Fragments 