For those of you just tuning in, we are a system of thirteen alters, living inside a single body. We are like a bunch of roommates, sharing a studio flat, in Tokyo. The interpersonal exploits are as many as we are, multiplied exponentially. This too goes for our love lives. Welcome to the crazy world of being batshit crazy!
To begin, lets just lay it all out there, I am Kevin, your host as well as the owner fo said body. Our body is forty eight years in existence. We are also joined by the following:
- Lawrence (Larry) O’Knight. Late Adolescence, and Spooky smart
- Brian. Fourteenish boy with very dark insides, suicidal, goth
- Little Kevin, Six, Scared to death
- TK, Third Grade Kevin, Nine years old, walking anxiety
- Pat, Vietnam Vet, crazy as hell, loves to drink
- Jeff, Twenty one, loves weed and logic theory
- D, System Peacekeeper
- AJ, 19, Focused and very aggressive
- Sandy
- KK, Sixteen and pretty happy mostly, but quiet
- SGK, Twelve years old and very messed up, barely speaks
- Kevin, Me. I am the host and own the body. I remember very little of anything
SO, now we have established the cast, we will have to set the stage. Such a production this has become, and yet it has not. We, the system, married Tammy, in 2010, for many reasons, most of which were codependent and unhealthy. We tried to substitute others in our life to love, since we ourselves could not feel love. We believed that if we loved another children, then they would love us the same. This is not only wrong, but very very dangerous. This was all pre-awareness. We still were living under the guise of singularity and trying to pull it off; Miserably. Tammy had three beautiful bay girls, raising themselves. Kevin, me, as we always do had to save them. We have to save anything that has not matured yet. Children, animals and even the odd hooch, as long as they are kiddos.
We married Tammy in order to get her kids abroad with us. We were being sent to the Middle East, and could not bear to leave them. We were in love with saving her babies, she was in love with Larry. Yes, Larry, our chief bullshit artist, provider and resident butthead. We love him, yes, as much as it pains us from time to time. Tammy and Larry went on for nearly a decade this way. We continued to live in this crazy death and resurrection cycle, we hav even in for eternity. Larry could always get our shit together, but we always crashed and burned.This seemingly self perpetuating cycle fo glory, fear and misery, intuit order, had always been our norm. We never expected anything to last very long, as much as we desired longevity. The cycle of pain was evident and by the time we passed our mid thirties, we were learning to just live with it. We had no idea who we really were, what we were meant to do and worse, if we had any real value to anyone.
Our relationship with Tammy was more than others before. Tammy had her own crappy experiences to draw from, and we were good providers, despite the roller coaster. Larry could see shit to a pig farmer. We had an Aramco executive say in an open meeting one time, “I bet you could sell sand to the Arabs”. Larry’s reply to him, looking dead in the eyes,” I just did”. Yeah, he is that good. Anyways, Larry and Tammy held on for nearly a decade, traversing the complex fractured world that we created around us. Where I craved stability and peace, Larry functions best in chaos and mayhem. Only now the body was seriously broken. We became completely, physically disabled. Wow. game Changer here.
The ability for us to NOT be able to work, was catastrophic to the system. Before we could always move around, bounce, and land upright. We could resurrect ourselves from moist anything, as we had done many times. This time, we were stuck in the mud. Unable to walk, work, and earn, the pressure was building. We now had a baby of our own, as well as three other girls to raise. The system went into panic mode. We nearly shut down, but then something happened: We found awareness, and acceptance. In an effort to salvage our relationship with Tammy and the girls, we came out of the darkness. and confronted ourselves.
For the next two years, we struggled as a group. Both Tammy and the girls, and us, trying to figure out who we all were, where if anywhere, we fit in the family, and exactly what we were to each other. This is complicated when there are thirteen sharing a body. Everyone at first glance, had been dealing with “Kevin’. However the variousness of our moods was always attributed to eccentricity, moodiness or just good old fashioned nuts. We were no trying to direct our past, in order to have a foundation of who we were to become in the future. The biggest fuck we had during all this, forgetting that we actually HAVE to live in the PRESENT! We completely sacrificed the present, for a glimmer fo hope in the future. This is absolutely the wrong way for anyone to live, much less a trauma survivor. It was about this time we started to study Existentialism, and the promise it delivers on; Freedom and Empowerment, NOW!
So, your saying to yourself at this point, how does all this lead to Polyamory? Thats actually quite a short hop. Lets look at a few things here: Me, Kevin, has spent the better part of a decade married to a woman, I hardly knew. Larry, has been in charge of the body since 1990, and thus was very used to having control over most things. Kevin, the host and owner of said body, was still very lonely, and miserable. Even surrounded by family, alone and unloved. I was trying so hard to learn WHO, and WHAT I was. We had forgotten what that meant, what it felt like to be whole and wanted. We wanted that again. After years fo intense psychotherapy, we felt like the time to start the journey was upon us. We spent almost two years housebound. We were ready to go out. Out we went….to Thailand
Yes, we as a system, went to Chiang May, Thailand. This was a decision long in the making. We planned on retiring herein 2019, and wanted to have a look around. Pat was excited and thought he would meet some of his adult children he left behind from the Vietnam war, and Larry was on the lookout for businesses to buy. I just want ed to eat, were vegan, and thats almost Taboo in West Texas. We travelled solo, with no real expectations than good food, and drink. Copious drink! LOL!
After being in country for about three days, we meet Jun. This was not fate or anything quite so dramatic. Larry had gotten into a fight with a dapper ladyboy in another bar, and we went walking to this one. Little did I know, Jun and I were both taken back from the chemistry that resulted. Here we are now, a year later and still feeling the fire.
After several more trips, and relocating Tammy, and our common daughter Aaliyah, to Chiang May, they met Jun. This was everything that you would think it was, and then some. Although we had somewhat indicated to Tammy about Jun, she knew who she was and all, the reality setting in of having another wife was rough, for all of us. Tammy felt betrayed, Jun felt Jealous and like a bad person, and I was carrying the guilt and shame of it all, even though I was completely happy. The fireworks that followed for anything but happiness. The emotional flood was overwhelming, and yet cleansing. here was the problem, Larry was still completely attached to Tammy and Aaliyah. Aaliyah, and I were attached to Jun, and Jun was attached to Me and Aaliyah. So you see here the dilemma.
Now comes the really interesting and quite cool part; The phoenix that emerged from the ashes fo all this chaos and fighting, was beautiful, powerful and just….WOW! With the help stubbornness, and a lot of love, we were able to all learn things about each other, and ourselves. We found that all of us had been living lives before, that none of us wanted to lead. We all found that we were all happier together. We also found more forgiveness and love in our little circle, that we had ever before. The sense of having a place, fitting in that place, and knowing your ok, is priceless.
We all ended up living together in a house in the city, where Kevin, me, and Jun have a fairytale relationship. Tammy and Larry get to spend time together almost every day, Aaliyah has more love than she can handle, and Tammy and Jun are the closest sisters we have ever seen. Loving each other for the common love of us. How cool is that. Everyone respecting each others feelings. This is not utopia at all. We are a group of friends who love each other. Tammy is Kevins best friend, always was. This is not a crazy hippie love fest/orgy thing. This is a crazy hippie love fest friend thing. We emotionally support each other, respect each other, and realize that there is so much more we can do when we cast aside the archaic guidelines, used by people to control that which they do not understand. This is not one person being a “Stud” or two ladies being less than moral. This is three people who are only just learning that love is not something that should ever be pushed back, or feared.
Love is something that just is. You have to work to keep it, cultivate it, and water it. Understanding, acceptance and caring, are these hallmarks we all desire. The need to possess something is neither positive, or empowering. The group of us do not possess any of the others, we do not control or make demands. We try to make what we want clear, which is a struggle at times. We try to realize that there is something bigger and better than each one of us, all of us. Our family. Working together we are all coming to a place where worry is gone, hope is abundant, and living in the present is what we do. We all have freedom because we all live in today. We have no expectations other than honesty and love.
Maybe for us, living Poly, is not a big transition. We have been internally poly since age six. We have had separate and independent relationships, even unknowingly, for years. We have found that we all, inside and out, want the exact same things. We just wan to have a place where we KNOW we will be safe today. Where we will have someone to hold us at night, and to feel like all the love we give is returned the same way. We live on a planet where the ratio of the sexes is highly skewed, and thus to expect one to one fidelity is not only unrealistic, but sentences many to a life of solitude and loneliness. As a system of many, we always had much love, in many types to offer. We never felt like sex was the ultimate goal of any relationship. We felt the ultimate prize, was to be wanted as much as you wanted someone. Not all the system feels this way, our views about relationships and sexuality are a s varied as our personalities. The one thing we know for sure, happiness is the key to a long relationship. You can get happy in your relationship as long as you feel you are getting as much out of it as you put in. That is a hard trick, and sometimes having a team is not only a good thing, but almost a requirement in todays times.
Living as Whole Fragments 