Having alters, can be more challenging than the worst spouse or room mate. They have their own opinions, and once awareness is attained, they also know they have very little accountability for their actions. For me, the worst part is not being able to leave the room when I need to. You can never quiet them, or leave etc situation when fighting. You are imprisoned in solitary confinement with a group of people. Yes, it is just like that.
In particular, I have an alter, Larry, who is an arrogant, egotistical bully. Yes, he is smart, and has kept the body in food and shelter during times when we did not know what we were going to do. He is a great guy to have in a time of crisis; not during peacetime. Our body is currently NOT in a complete crisis every fifteen minutes. We are at a point where we are secure and safe. Larry had a significant role in getting us here, however he is now bored and feels un-needed. This is the core issue here. He is the exact opposite of me: Arrogant, obnoxious, immoral, and downright mean. He cares only for his objective, and does not care about the means to his end. He is a true conqueror in every respect. He is also a verified genius. Being able to manipulate most anyone, he is used to getting his way almost always. Being a teenager makes him an even bigger mess. When Larry fails to get his way, he throws tantrums, and is the bringer of pain and chaos. He is a master bully, mostly to me. This is our problem.
When a bully will not leave you alone, you can fight him, or ignore them. We cannot do either of those things. He is incessantly degrading, insulting and doing whatever he can to get me, to bow to his will. We have become much stronger in the system, and nowI manage the system. Yes, Kevin is finally in charge of Kevin’s body, mostly. However, as Larry was the primary show runner for many years, he wishes to retain his title. The damage path he has left behind him over the years would make any narcissist proud. He has destroyed lives in the name of his sense of duty and justice, or as he puts it, “Squaring up the books”. I am not that kind of person, nor do we have to be.
So, now the stage is set, the lines are drawn and the fight is on! I am not a fighter, I am a hippie. I am the scared and timid boy that was never allowed to retaliate, or even have an opinion of his own. If I was ever to show any semblance of self awareness or free will, that was quickly quashed with agony, shame and fear. We were never the kind of kid that wanted to hurt anything. We did not even want to shoot birds, or anything. We did not hunt, or even like to fish. Why would we want to hurt people? We learned to run and hide, as we did many times. Larry, is just like our father, a complete bastard that cares not for anyone outside of himself.
Gaining awareness of our parts, was such a difficult task, it only took about forty years. We have been learning how to communicate with each other, as well as how to get along as a group, a system. We are now more effective as human beings, as we are generally all moving together like a flock of birds, rather than a scared bunch of cats. This is the real key to living multiple. The ability to manage the systemic a way that we can all get what we need, while keeping the body moving in one direction, mostly. When the body has thirteen different drivers, it can never rest, and to the outside world we appear a complete mess. Yes, that is how it feels. Like a city bus that changes routes at will.
Larry and I, have had many good times. He has been my savior and my nemesis. We have been able to accomplish quite a bit in our lifetime, mostly due to his intelligence and drive. However we are in no danger anymore of becoming homeless or hungry. We have been both before, and this is one of our biggest fears. If you have ben either you understand. Today we are running our system, and we are working to shape the system to project what we see ourselves to be. We are a collective singularity, shattered to an irreparable state, but now able to place the pieces in an order that more closely resembles our original self. Larry is not keen on losing his power and control. He is about himself, I am about us all.
Our significant other, or “SO”, is someone who is as unconventional as she i beautiful. This is the first relationship the have has where we are aware, and somewhat functional. We have to accept our limitations, both inside and outside the system. Acceptance of our reality helps us to live better in yours. Our SO, we will call Toom here; Is of Southeast Asian descent, and very traditional. She has accepted our multiplicity with reluctance, as most should. She is NOT the SO, that Larry had chosen, married and carried around the world on his roller coaster ride of a life. Constantly moving, and burning to the ground everything behind us. This is his way of surviving. Take what you can while you can, and as soon as things start to fall apart, burn it to the ground and start over again somewhere else. This was effective for about thirty years, and now were just so damn tired.
Now that we have come to a turning point, a huge milestone inner existence, he has become the bully to me. Constantly trying to manipulate me into crisis, so that he can retake the body. So he can satisfy his need for control and power. He has no real need for true affection, as he does not trust anyone or anything. He gets all the juice he needs form the games he plays with people. Most do not even realize what he is doing, till things are too far to back out. He laughs a them, calls them idiots and roasts marshmallows in the fire. He is a true destroyer. His dream job was one where he could just travel and fire people. He would enjoy the act itself. Thats Larry.
So how do we take someone as powerful and clever as Larry, and get him to where he at least, cannot hurt people as much? We really had no clue. We have been struggling with this for months now. The unescapable insults to not only me, but anyone I care for, the volume knob you cannot find to turn him down; this will drive you to thoughts of suicide and helplessness. How could we even bare to have these thoughts about someone who has saved our system so many times? He has been our master of ceremonies for so long, presiding over the freak show that was our life. He took us to so many happy places, but then drove us away from them. This was the movie we were in, on repeat forever it seemed. In Alcoholics Anonymous, they say doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same result is the definition of Insanity. I will tell you now, we were there. There had to be a way to control the madness.
So what ddi w come to realize? Our SO, made the comment to us one day that we had to play our part in the relationship with her. “Be the man”. Wow, coming from a Thai lady, this was confusing. Thai women are very large and in charge we thought. Yes, to a certain degree. Strength is not only in the hands wielding it, to have physical strength, one must have the belief there is something stronger supporting their humanity. We must be the straight in the bow, even if her hands are the ones pulling the string. This hit home to me in many ways. I have never seen myself as strong, or even deserving of anyone that was exceptional. Thus, i surrounded myself with second hand disappointments. Larry was able to keep control, as there was no strength from me, not in my hands, but in believing we were good enough, and strong enough to deserve a life of our own. This was the key.
many philosophers believe that, we are as we see ourselves to be. This is a little bit confusing for us, as we are all pieces of a singular being. As we each have our own sense of identity, bringing that together as a whole, is a bit complicated. We had to come together as individuals and decide how we wanted to be. As I am the host, the choice, in order to be authentic, has to come from me. Learning who we believe we are, and then communicating that to the rest of they system. This has been successful, mostly. Larry refuses to let go of his role, and is throwing that tantrum he does. Now, I realize he is simply filling his role, fighting. He fought for me when I could not. This does not give him license to drive forever. The system has now decided and agreed that I am the host, and thus we are moving forward as a group in the direction I have set forth. Larry was given the choice to sign on, or not.
In true Larry fashion, he has given me ultimatums, threats, and insults at every turn. Calling me everything from weak to a coward. This i realize is simply because I am stronger now, the system is following me. We are becoming as I see us to be. I am not discarding any part of the system, not even Larry, however he is losing his power, because much like real life, the system is following strength. I am gaining control, because I believe that I am good enough to have it. I am awakening to the fact that maybe all these years, I WAS the strong one. Maybe I was just beaten down from years of systemic abuse, guilting and shaming. maybe Kevin is a good guy, the guy he sees and always thought himself to be. Maybe we are deserving of more than we have ever had. Yes, all true. There is no such thing as any utopia. Our system will never be perfect, as in without conflict. However we are learning that we can be around the rest of the world, hold our heads up, and feel good about who we are. That is not arrogance, that is self realization.
Living as Whole Fragments 