Wanting to Run Into Nothingness

The unique place that we, and we suspect many, is to find ourselves is trying too ascertain if we are looking into insanity, or peering into rationality from within the crazy. Always standing on the edge of madness, trying to reason from which perspective we are viewing our lives, can fuel the chaos, and deepen the rift from within. Living in the jaws of madness, you have to pay the toll. We are simply passengers on the coach, trying desperately to manage our own existence, while maintaining an outward appearance of rationality. Nothing is more difficult, more tiresome, and more futile.

For many, the endless repetition of mechanical time is an unknown luxury. Living in a reality that has been filtered, padded and constructed for safety and happiness. However for us, even the inversion of such logic cannot compare to the terrifying and seemingly perpetual, state of conscious fear, worry, and anxieties we experience almost continuously. As a plural, we do not experience time as others, for many of us time has slowed or stopped altogether. We move almost abruptly and fluidly between consciousness. Where others find solace and relief in the passing of another day, we are left to a new consciousness, and another set of fears. We continue to abuse our body, never finding relief, rest or peace. For us, this is the reason we so reflect on the only true power we have, the choice over our own mortality. Maybe then we can rest, peacefully.

We ask ourselves constantly, as we fumble through human relationships, even when we know others are trying to understand, and cope with our eccentricities. When our loved one, outside, tries and yet can never really comprehend the ongoing saga we contain inside our own minds. The struggle at times, spilling over into the outside world, oozing like lava, covering everything around us in blackness. Burning all around us who choose to stay in the fallout zone, that is our existence. Many times we do not feel afflicted, but that we are the affliction.

Even though we have come far in acceptance of our plurality, our collective singularity; We struggle to manage. When our lives are relatively low impact, and free from most outside human contact, we are unable to manage the system. We, become our own worst adversary. We crave human contact, and relationships. We have an unquestionable need to be wanted. To be missed when we are not there. However the conscious knowledge of our differences, keep us imprisoned in fear. We are not fit to be around good people. We are not suitable for our society, we are broken.

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