You know, we really wanted, and still want, to work. We know looking back we cannot. We are not really meant to be around people. Our ability to handle the day to day of people, is a fantasy. This is aside from our later physical limitations.
We so desired all these years, to be a regular guy. To be “Joenthe Plumber”. Anything, just a regular guy, who could have his name on his shirt and a little life. This was too much to desire, even for us. We were never meant to have that identity. Something , to hold onto that could help us to know how hat we were, so we could reverse engineer who we were. This is never to be the case with us we fear. We feel now we are chasing the dragon. The mythical being that can never be caught. This elusive concept is our sense of self. Constantly in limbo, we cannot define who we are. We search for what we are, to look backwards, but the picture is a kaleidoscope of images and ideas which never solidifies as one. Ever changing. As every situation we navigate, we can change with the moment, so desperate to “be something”, so we can “be someone”. We wonder if the later challenges we faced in adolescence, further caused our system to become much more Sophisticated and complex? Did we, our of a sense of fear, loneliness, and loathing, cause to further the identity fracturing, we had already suffered as a small child. Did we cause much our our own torturous, and seemingly perpetual, misery. We wonder
The only person in life we feel who understands is, is our therapist. She has worked for free. For no good reason. She is the only person we know, whom an agenda does not exist. Maybe her validation comes from the saving of broken souls like us. Maybe for her to heal, gives her healing. However she has not done this at our expense, and this she is unique.
We would love to one day be able to relate to people that seem to be otherwise oblivious, to the realities that are so dark, and yet so common. We would love to be able to see people for only what they wanted people to see, and not the insight that we possess. We wish that we could close our eyes and sleep, as it seems we were meant to. Alas, these things we no longer fear will never materialize, we have just accepted the fact of it.
Even the fantasy, of love from children, that is not a guarantee as we well know, does not seem to calm our self imposed isolation. As it so happens children, our own, are quite adept at hating us just as much as children that are not of our blood. We are as it seems, truly unloveable, if you define love as eternal. This is why we do not subscribe to the concept as sold to the public.
We grow older, and closer to the true acceptance of solitude, and truly loving it more all the time. Still we desire to be in control of our own destiny. Lol. Yeah. We know that’s a joke.
We have arrived at peace, not through happiness but through acceptance.