as we attempt, to once more make reason from irrationality, we are still struggling with many things. We reach for words and concepts that we are so able to grasp minutes before, only to find the remnants of as dream lost to the darkness. We look for clues, we grasp at hints of thoughts, flashes of memories and ideas; Are they real? If we truly are as we see ourselves; If we can truly define our own essence through the processing of our own perceptions, how does this change things when our perceptions are shattered? How can we ever build on a foundation of broken glass? How can we ever reach self actualization, when self is actually “selves”? Even further into the abyss, how can we truly be we? Is the narrative we have been taught throughout time, the story of our own “attention seeking manipulations”, actually more fact than fiction? Or are we in fact this rare phenomenon that would not only give us a baseline for identity and validation; but to also allow us tho continue a drama designed to validate our need to feel human. To use the only tools we could develop to survive. If you are reading this and you are NOT plural; Ask you self how you know you are truly single? IS it all in your head? What makes you a singlet? How do you aquire the things you need to survive? Who taught you to survive?
When we really start to accept a diagnosis of multiplicity, in many ways for many of us, it was a feeling if great defeat, and at the same moment, triumph. Even though we still argue and fight with each other about the validity of our own diagnosis. We still, are living many parts of our life in “Reality Commercials” These are the short pieces of memories, what most closely compare with the most common, non trauma based concept of memory. Flashes of thought, insight, and fears. Trying to make decisions, with only fragments of the information most people receive and recall. This fragmentation of memory, we are learning is caused by many things, all coming back to core issues. For us, being able to pull part the processes, understanding better how our multiplicity functions, and forms, allows us to accept the validity easier, as well as learning how to manipulate the processes to a more favorable outcome for our system.
So, now that we have begun to and at least, conditionally accept the fact of plurality, we then have to learn to organize the system, and even more tricky, we hav etc do something that most near-tyoicals take for granted, each member in the system has to be validated individually. Wow! Just because some or most of us may believe something, especially about our own identity, does not mean that all of us will. Furthermore, we wren have to validate each others existence, ignorer to allow for any cohesive communications to occur. How can you communicate with something you do not believe exists? This applies to both your inner system, as well as the people in the outside world. Intra-system maintenance is just as critical, as personal growth. The growth of a system is maybe the most complicated, and personally rewarding experience in anyones life, except having happy children.
We have now began to communicate in a manner which allows cross wall transmission. The barricades constructed by the child to shield themselves from the horror of living, now becoming more permeable. We are learning to see that our behaviors, both then and now, are not negative reflections from ourselves, rather a result of fragmentation, and unorganized, and shattered, Executive Functions. For decades of our lives, we struggled with things most take for granted: Memory, Planning, Motor Coordination, and the other executive functions. So we came to realize some key things about our history. We are truly plural, We had Executive Dysfunction at a very early age, the behaviors we displayed as a child are textbook abuse responses, and parents can lie. When we now, look at life together; as a collective of shards, tediously held together with hope and self realization, our reflection begins to focus. What we begin to see resembles the child we thought was only a dream.
The executie function puzzle pice for us was key for us. We are analytical, and we need the whole puzzle to really see the solution. Being a collective of pieces ourselves, may shine some light on the need to see all sides. There were so many things for us that have always been such a struggle. Seemingly mundane tasks, and every day memories, elude us, even now! So much of our memory losses are attributed to plurality, but not all could reasonably be. This only fostered doubts about our plurality, thus causing more system issues, self doubt, and self loathing. You can see how this circular behavior could self perpetuate.
Executive Dysfunction, which has an elusive mechanism, and can be caused by several factors, including PTSD, Autism, and ADHD. Other causes are out there, but we want to just focus on these three. Executive Function occurs when there is a sudden, and significant disruption to the developing brain, interrupting the development of the executive cognitive functions. Studies have demonstrated, the younger and more severe the interruption, the more severe the effect to the brain. In the form of PTSD, in a young child, this usually occurs in child sexual abuse. If the abuse is Complex, occurring repeatedly for a long period of time, the outcomes are less positive. Common Co-morbidities found are: Poor Hand Eye Coordination, Personality Disorders, Dissociative Disorders, anxiety Disorders.
Although child abuse is certainly horrific, autism and ADHD are both disorders that effect executive function. So for us, we had to discern the differences if we were to believe our own plurality. We have had the diagnosis of ADHD thrust upon us in the past. In fact, medication did seem to help a little with certain symptoms. This further confused us. We began to believe that we were so messed up, we could just be everything. We were in fact so broken, that we did not fit anywhere. We struggled wit this for years. Thus, we had to reverse engineer all three diagnosis to learn the truth of only one. Were we ADHD, and only faking the multiplicity for dramatic purposes?
Autism, and ADHD, are very much alive and well with each other. They both effect executive function, and are quite chummy. Anyone who struggles with the world as we do, would almost certainly come to believe they could have these disorders. In many places, an ASD diagnosis, is almost accepted as a positive diagnosis for ADHD. For us, we still did not feel right. Even though we ticked off enough boxes to legally suit the definition, there was still more doubt than certainty in our minds. This doubt, has also become a source of madness; Chewing away at what little touch with reality we believe we have. To further the complexity, the medication did help us! We could complete more tasks, remember things better, although still with great deficiency. So how could this be?! Are we ADHD?? Autistic?? Both?? Neither!!!!!! Just as the argument was intensifying internally, the fiber of our system was beginning o stretch. The organization was beginning to fail as our resolve in our diagnosis began to crumble. Then we out it all together, quite by mistake and chance.
If you think living in a system is complicated, then yes you are right. Let us now add to the drama a little bit! We also have an eight year old daughter, who is Autistic, ADHD, and our world. We have been really trying hard to help her find her path, without making her feel like she is somehow broken. We know what it is like to be that kid in school, you know the one everyone makes fun of. We never want that for her. We were at her doctor appointment the other day, when they were discussing Aaliyah’s executive function deficiency, and how that effected her daily life. Wow, Lightbulb!! Executive Dysfunction, is an indicator disorder. The presence of this profound set of behaviors, is very often overlooked as a single cause. However they exist in almost every case of Autism, and Severe PTSD, cPTSD, and ADHD. This causes clinical professionals to commonly misdiagnose them.
For us, the constant, daily reminder of our own insanity, is our new ability to see it rationally . We have had to accept we are plural. We have had to accept the reality, we cannot live as most others do. We have the power to try and define our own identities. When we lead our daily life in the construct of a collective, we are more successful at achieving our goals. Wen we try to force the idea of singularity on our existence, we fail miserably. As our therapist, and lifesaver always says, “Yes! It is all in your head!” But so is being a singlet, so is being anything. What are we without our mind? The endless power of the human mind to survive is truly phenomenal. Whomever defined one mind, one body? Was this the same people that defined Gender, and Anatomy as mutually exclusive? Was it maybe the same people who think the earth is flat?, or better yet, that there is an omniscient all powerful force int eh universe that controls us all. All of these things are responses, not facts. Our minds are the real heroes in existence, allowing us to grow and adapt. Adaptation is evolution, thus survivors have always been the leading edge of evolution.
Living as Whole Fragments 