One of the greatest complaints about is, from significant others, schools, courts, and friends, is our ability to either cancel our plans or not show at all. We can orchestrate these monumental events, and at the very last minute cancel them. This does not mean we will not change our mind again, as many times as time allows. But almost always ending in being alone.
Even today, as we stumble through adulthood, more aware and organized than ever before we are the same. Our best friends, and they are few, do not expect us to show up to an invitation. When we ask them somewhere, many times they just don’t show because the same is expected from us. The conflict we feel internally and the intra-system dissent is relentless.
An invitation to someone’s home is almost a certain decline of invitation, so most do not even ask anymore. Our social interactions while much better than before, are completely immature or even rude. we do not go into other people’s homes.
We have one friend that most times will drop what he is doing if we happen to be out for some random reason, which usually involves us being moody. Even then, they will come or attempt to come many times to find us already gone. The victim of a switch, or a deep seeded belief we are not worthy of friends. Why then would they come to spend time with us? Our mind runs races with us. We return home in a worse mood than before.
We are asking today as we need to see if others are like this. We’re you able to learn why you are like this? We have known this for so long and never been honest enough to admit it to ourself or anyone else.
Case in point. My girlfriend is 26 years younger than our body and my age. she is exclusive to me and she does not date the others in the system. This is key for us as we are super jelly. We have been open with her about our plurality since we start dating. She is cute, has her own money and just amazing. She displays every sign of being super into me, and yet we cannot believe it.
We feel an episode of self sabotage trying to sneak up. We are good at wrecking good things in our life and cultivating the bullshit. So we are trying to figure out why, even though it’s been a while now, and we are actually happy. All of us inside and out! Why then do I find myself fighting with the system over her authenticity and my worth.
Does anyone else have this issue?