So, a bit of a prologue here. We were on an emotional, chemical high. All natural, mostly. Lol. We did not go back and rearrange the paragraphs, so they are in the order as we processed them. We did this to simply demonstrate how deep the fracturing effects our everything.
As we write today, we find ourselves in an emotional hurricane. We have allowed the messes of our own making to grow quite substantially into, well something else. We are powerless it seems to manage our own emotions, or at lest Until thus moment. If our typing is bad we are sorry. We are shaking from the adrenaline still surfing through us. The excitement of so many important milestones in our lives, recently. Things have been, stimulated, mostly by loads of emotional energy. We his has been brought about by several ripples in our existence. As always, romance takes front and center, this time exponentially.
Where it is the “cheery” time of year, when us like many cringe at every turn. There is just something about all that the oblivious happiness; The very thought just causes us physical discomfort. Nonetheless we must endure annually. Even living in Thailand, we have Christmas.
To compound Christmas, there is the ever dropping temperature that do not bode well with the nearly two hindered pieces of metal in my spine, legs, neck, arms, etc. Our arthritic pain, is only compounded by the cold air, which for us is a balmy twenty four degrees when we start to hurt. With lows around fourteen, we are quite chilly. Once the metal all gets cold, warning me up is a chore. So already our stress level is quite high.
Let’s toss in some ex girlfriend drama, if the Thai sort. Our ex mother has fallen gravely ill. Even though we are apart, I care about the family and her. She is after all mostly human. we at least wanted to be there for her and the others dusting the ceremonies. Not for romantic reasons, although we’re silly enough usually to get sucked right in. Being as were completely. Insecure.
Ok. Wow. We his seems like a lot to put on anyone, much less an old, fat, broken, and crazy man like us. however the gods were not yet through with our gauntlet of emotional turmoil. We have to go right in and start drama with our very young, Thai girlfriend. Drama is bad, but when you add this Thai girl, to our Ex Thai girl, you do not get twice the drama. You get drama to the tenth power! Thais are notoriously possessive, Jelly and emotional. So here we are with more than any mere metal singlet can handle. You must be asking then, why are his words so gleefully upbeat and bouncy! There are a couple reasons for this. How ever the individual reasons are not the real point, or is the collective energy we have harnessed from these actions that have driven us into a frenzy. Almost a manic state of emotional flow and conscious congruence. We are high on realization. One of the other reasons being, we are quite possibly high as well. 😂.
Tonight, we completed the emotional regulation trifecta.
1. We realized that the emotions of others were not our responsibility
2. We have every right to do what is required for us to feel emotionally and physically safe.
3. We do not have to pay penance for the things that happened to us. We have paid enough.
Amazingly enough, we got all that from the shitstorm, that has been this week. We have felt the intoxicating freedom that is our way of saying, we don’t have to feel this shitty way anymore. We do not have to tolerate anyone that cannot accept us the way we are for who we are. And that’s just fine.
As you can see our fractured brain is all over the place. That’s ok, we want to demonstrate to the singlets how a plural brain, can be of an advantage at times. In the case of our ex, we get so empowered by the fact her anger and emotions towards me, that was completely on her. So, if we are not responsible???!! Wait, we have never been free from another’s guilt, ever. We pack on guilt and blame like a pregnant woman in Baskin Robbins. To be free, even if for that brief moment. Holy crap! It was amazing.
We began to look for the reasons, and that’s when it came. We have always been told we had to pay for our mistakes. Our mistakes became everyone’s in our solar system, our family. The guilt we carried was compounded by guilt and shame. Burning in the reality of our made to order victimology. yet when we realized we didn’t have to own those emotions, we were light as air. Still are.
Paying for the sins of others, is a self destructive task. Much lien the protagonists in the film , “The Green Mile”, we were taught to feel guilt that wasn’t even in our realm of knowledge. We have paid for these actions against us ever since in the form of self hatred, self doubt, self loathing. Fueling a lifetime penance, for something we never did.
So many times our therapists have told us that these things were not our responsibility. We did not have the power to cause or defend the terrible tragedy that becomes DID. The reality was nobody ever taught us how to feel anything but fear, guilt and shame. How could we ever transcend the nightmare and become what we were always meant to be, Kevin
Again, we apologize for the choppy nature. But this was too cool for school. We still haven’t sorted our our current relationship issue, but that’s ok. She’s entitled to her drama same same us. However, it is just that, her drama as we must own ours. We will inform you all as the play progresses. However we know one thing for certain, we got this for real this time.
Living as Whole Fragments 