I realize that we haven’t posted in some time. Honestly we have been in a really bad depression. I am pretty sure most of us have been. Anyways, if you are reading this now, we thank you sincerely and apologize for the absence.
We have been in an incredible journey. We feel like we are beginning a totally new life, a rebirth so to speak without being too corny! The feelings and emotions that we are experiencing are new to us. There are many things we are familiar with, however there are several new concepts that the journey is not so much introducing; but defining.
We have begun to co-mingle our thoughts and memories. This past weekend, we were in our “happy place, I mean REALLY in our happy place!, and we began to feel something totally foreign to us, calm. At first we thought it was just that we were in a happy state! However this thing happened, this really cool and yet frighteningly welcome thing! We were able to communicate clearly with Kevin, Pat and start to hear clearly the others. This is a cool thing. We were able to share some things that before we suspects, but never knew. Things that were “kept in the family”.
For us, this is a breakthrough; as we are constantly battling with a sense of identity, purpose and shame. We even question the idea of “we”!! It wasn’t till we started to learn that the things we were shown and taught as young humans, was inherently and fundamentally evil. Evil is the word used by the practitioners that have seen us. We didn’t realize for years; yet we always knew. Even as we fight our “US”, we have always known. Mother was like us. Father was just a bastard. Gene, had two crazy in the house, Mom, and us. his solution was simple: 1. Scare the hell out of them, 2. Beat Them into submission, and 3. Use shame, guilt and emotional blackmail to control what the beatings doesn’t. If all else fails, he would make a “man” out of you! You id not want one of those sessions! Trust me on this!
When we first started to question the things that had happened to us, the body was in the 40’s. We had always just focused on today, sometimes just the moment. Trying to make sure we could be as safe as we could be from one day to the next. We didn’t really know why our life was like reading a short story, over and over again. We didn’t understand why other people could be around there people, without fear or loathing. We didn’t know how other people could feel safe. period.
My job in the system as we have now found, is the job of shelter, food and essentials. Yes, we are good at this. We have had a lots of practice! Trying to keep up with the day to day of monitoring everything, as well as all of US! Its enough to wear you out! We first ran away from home at 6 years old, and many times after that. Never managing to stay gone long. We never knew people. We moved all the time. In the most true statement I have ever heard in my life,
“We Lived Like Gypsies, Kevin”
-Ashley J Painter
We learned to survive. It is only now at this late juncture in our life that we can start to see how we had to live from childhood till today. The alcoholic as the luxury of one day at a time; We make it form one situation to the next. Time has no meaning here. Moments can last lifetimes and lifetimes can be moments.
I am riding in a bus with many others. Trying to get off at the right stop, but we never stop. We make choices based on beliefs and teachings which at their root, were poison. So how its it when we never want to hurt anyone, we hurt everyone. At our most primitive and original self we are good, but the bus never stops and keep rolling over the rest of those in the path.
There was time when we were young, a boy; we vaguely remember what it was like to be, not happy, but unafraid. This is more of a dream, a daydream…………