Choosing Not To Abuse

Rencetly we have been experiencing many things the are new to us. Many things can be new to us, and still not be new, to the system. However there are a few things in our life that seem to be highly relevant to us. We have in the last few months begin to explore some of these issues. Abandonment, sex, insignificance, self sabotage, and fear of being the abuser, all are very real topics for us. These things bounce around constant in the consciousness where only we exist; The only forum where we feel safe enough, to be truly candid.

As a system, it is easier to look back on the knowledge we have access o today, without too much drama or incontrollable emotion. Systemwide, we embrace each other, through the confidence of KNOWING we are not alone. Before we became organized, we bounced around like pinball, in our careers, relationships, and even our geographic locations. We never had the time, or the frame of mind to develop good parenting skills. We did as most, unconsciously adapting the parenting style and model of our childhood. After all, we turned out ok? Right?, I mean, really? We used to tell ourself this lie continuously, just to be able to face the next moment in time.

As a system we can process nearly anything together, stronger as one. We are able to spend more time on our personal development now, as our base survival is pretty much on automatic from this point forward. This allows for time to really reflect on ourselves, and the damage path we have left in our wake. We see now that the parenting skills we learned, by example, from our parents were instilled as if imprinted from birth, because they were. The morals, beliefs and even our faith, was all based in the environment from which we came. The atrocities we committed as a parent, fell short on many respects from our own, but the fear, and emptiness we created in people, was like sitting on the edge of a back hole. We could feel the darkness we left inside some of our children, just through the emotional head games we learned from our father. What a monster we had become.

II

As we came to see, no longer viewing our timeline trough a kaleidoscope, but more of a prism. We are not, and have no desire today, to return to a single being. But we are more aligned, and recognizable now. We are able to tighten our focus and train the lens at the vast array of emotions and fears, that are our system. As the host, owner and heart in our system, all of my fears had been realized that day. We were looking down into the eyes of a scared teenage girl, not scared because she feared we would hit her, but because of the hatred and fear coming from us. the shaking, and ht edited pupils, the frozen posture as she looked up at our raging eyes. We saw, we all could see, ourself in her.

We knew then, at that point, we had to do better. After all, we do love children so much. We champion children like stray pets. We turn none away. For us children are truly the best thing in life; How did we lose our way? How did we gravitate so far from our core beliefs and feelings. From the things that as a child we knew were wrong in our heart, but wanted to believe the lie, that it was always our fault. We wanted to believe, because even though we felt like they hated us, we wanted them to love us. We wanted the fighting to stop, the punishments to subside, and we knew that since it was our fault that we could fix it. No matter the effort that we applied, or the extremes we would attempt, we always seem d to fall short of the mark, gradually just trying to drift into nothingness, hoping one day we would just not wake up.

To be the kid that gets blamed, is tiring. Trying to run a system as a preteen, is even more tiring. There are many like us that are young we believe, just not diagnosed, because then, what would that say about the families? Nobody wants to go that route. After a while, even the other parent, in this case our mother, gets so tired of getting hit and raped, she has to relieve her stress in some way, and here we are ready to shoulder the burden once again. This was not the life that we wanted for our children.

III

Accountability, maybe one of the most intimidating, and misunderstood words int eh english language. Many times, the term is phrased to make people feel fear, and retribution. However nothing could be further from the true meaning. Accountability is simply one fo the founding principals of leadership. When we were working, we spent a long time as a senior manager in large and small companies. Larry, a very central part of our system, is a natural leader. He can organize a shit storm into a calm sea, he can also talk you into not only giving up the keys to your car that he is at the moment repossessing, but have you show him how to start it. In many cases he even came back and slept with the ladies he took the var from! Yes, he has the gift of gab and can exploit it on demand. His morals are low by most standards, and conscience is a small afterthought. He is system first, always. The perfect one to balme, as he is usually the cause of our problems.

Even though we have a borderline narcissist as an alter, who admittedly can make less than appropriate choices on most anything, he is my responsibility as the landlord. This is the same reason you have to carry homeowners coverage. If you are going to let an asshole into your house, do not be surprised when he breaks something. We are the origin of Larrys fears, detriments, his persona. Larry is apart of us, and thus he lives on my land, my responsibility. We know what our plural friends are thinking right now, “OMG they won’t listen to me!!” We know, the alters have a mind of their own, however they are people, and just like others inside and outside, they desire validation and trust above all.

When we were working, we spent endless hours around conference tables, listening to excuses and blame games. In the middle of a management retreat one year, we actually stood up and took responsibility for our devisors performance, as our boss would not. Instead of placing the responsibility for his own actions, and accountabilities, our boss regularly pointed the blame at others, even hourly paid employees who did not even understand how to read a balance statement. The feeling was exhilarating, to say the least. The endorphins came over me like a really good high, magically kicking in. We were hooked, on leadership.

The feelings of freedom, empowerment, and quite a bit of ego boost, were so intoxicating we began to see ourself as maybe a little but useful. Maybe we had a purpose, a reason for being born. Maybe there was validation for our existence. This, even though may seem innocuous, the concept is like finding all the corner pieces in a puzzle. You know the worst part of your journey is over. You can see a clear path to a little bit of hope. For met o be able to successfully manage my system, I could not merely “manage” it. We needed to take ownership of our body seriously. We need to accept the fact we are pretty smart, amazing and strong. I had to stand up and lead by example to my system, in order to successfully manage them. I had to believe not only in myself, but in their individual abilities, strengths and know their weaknesses. Not to use against them like emotional extortion, to arrange and organize the pieces of the puzzle in the best way, for all of us.

IV

The feelings of sadness in my heart, along with the fear and rage in the system, as we looked at our step-daughter, a girl we loved so much, shaking in fear in front of us. This was one of our first co-conscious experiences. How could we be doing this to someone we love so much? Why could I not stop what was happening? I can feel the rage inside of us, growing and feeding on itself. Like trying on a light, we were in full a full on PTSD episode. AJ, one of our system was raging at this poor girl, in her own home. Stripping of her of any sense of safety. Confusing for er the difference of what is right and wrong, teaching her to use fear as a parenting skill with her parents. Sound familiar? This was the model we grew up in. Here we were toting the baggage of our grandparents, that had been passed to us. We inherited the family legacy.

It became very apparent that even though we loved our kids a great deal, that our sense of right and wrong was broken on a fundamental level. Even though we never sexually or physically abused our children, we felt just as ashamed for our choices. Choices that I must take responsibility for. Then came the moment we realized something very significant; We could make a change in our behaviors as a system. We could re-evaluate our choices, decision making processes, and to some degree some emotional regulation. After all, most abuse comes from the inability to regulate ones emotions.

V

As the owner of this body, I have been given certain rights, and responsibilities. When I fail to maintain the body, or fail to intercede when the body is doing something I do not approve of, the fault in the outcome is my own burden. The leadership required to mange the system, is the same skillet needed to manage a team of people all trying to achieve a common goal. This focuses movement of a band of individuals is NOT integration; Not in the sense that most singlets would define integration. This is simply someone, me, having the courage, and confidence to take responsibility fro these in my care. TO listen to them, get to know them, and assess their strengths and weaknesses, to best serve our system. This is the real magic, although many people feel this is an easy task at work, or say on a football team. Just try to get along with, find compromises, and hold people accountable you can never leave. Yes, 24/7/365 I have my companions.

Larry and AJ, the two members of our little group that have the most issues with physical violence. Larry, by far the most intelligent, and stone cold ruthless people you could ever meet. He is not a snake int eh grass, he is the man you love and hate simultaneously. AJ on the other hand is pure driven rage. A hail-mary response to an imminent threat. Larry is not for getting into physical altercations, no he has AJ for that. However he is into manipulation and head games. The fact Larry is so intelligent, he fails to listen to most anyone. AJ, listens to Larry. The day that AJ, was staring down at Tessa, we all could see. This was the initial event causing us to take hold of the system. We were out fo control and falling fast.

When Larry and I have spoken about the idea of abuse, what we went through and where we are today he had few words for me. His key thinking being, “We turned out ok, Kevin. We do not beat, rape and torture the girls like what happened to us.” His statement was true in many perspectives, but very frightening to me. In Larrys perspective, because we did not brutally assault our kids, just hurt them a little bit, we were being good parents! The light bulb moment was instantaneous for both of us. We had become our parents. Rationalizing how they treated us, based on the benchmark set by their own nightmare parents. Now we had to define for ourselves today, what abuse was and were we even abused? Nothing would be more mind bending.

We spent countless hours in therapy, researching the internet, reading articles, trying to define what child abuseis

2 thoughts on “Choosing Not To Abuse

  1. Wow, you have way more control and knowledge of your system than we do. We have known for a little over a year, but it was really meeting others in support groups that we began learning about the confusing aspects of living with DID, especially with walls between alters and no knowledge of most of them.

    It would be great to hear your journey of finding yourselves, working together, and tearing down memory walls (if that is what you have done) to cooperate internally.

    We are only just learning the aspects of integration and fusion and controversy regarding those terms. Don’t you think that to choose not to abuse, your system has to be working together first?

    Many in the SRA family are still heavily programmed and doing the unspeakable work of their abusers with no knowledge they abuse, due to heavy programming and splits. We are learning that we have a complicated system like that.

    Breaking generational curses is the goal. We remember making a promise as a child not to repeat their abuse if we could get through (fill in the blanks) to a god we did not know but hoped heard us. What we discovered in the last year is that 80% of our memories are missing so we have no idea even how we were to our now grown children.

    The fact that they don’t speak to us, says we failed. We apologized for things they told us happened, but have no memory of the event. They cannot understand that we really don’t know.

    Throughout our lives, all the signs were there that we needed help, but no one stepped up to get us what we did not know we needed. Our first therapist after a suicide attempt in 1986 told us after four years we made up our memories and we ran. It would take 35 more years to land back in the system (we have other hospitalizations with no memory) only to meet another therapist that after a year completely destroyed us by discrediting DID, a popular aspect of dirty therapists who propagate false memory syndrome.

    If we are going to stop the cycle of abuse than professionals need to recognize trauma early, believe and help us to mend so that destructive patterns are addressed.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, it was not until we really began to organize, and communicate that we were able to design guidelines and choices for the entire system. To that point the system would either blank another member, or in my case, usually not have knowledge of anything happening. The best way can can describe it; Like being trapped or locked in a dark place. When you get a glimpse of light or fresh air, you become driven, wanting more, wanting to escape the hell your living in. That s the truth for us. When we were co-conscious that first time, it changed us. When we all began to see the damage we were causing not only with the reruns from our childhood, but with the confusion and unrest in our family and relationships, we definitely took notice. Like putting on glades for the first time, or swtitching from a battery operated black and white to Ultra High Definition.

      Liked by 1 person

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